I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
