Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
