Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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