So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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