Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
