your thong is hanging out like whoa
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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