My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
