and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
