Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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