Soap is not a condiment
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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