she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
