haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
