Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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