You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
