I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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