Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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