cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
