i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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