i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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