Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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