Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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