and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
