Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You ruined the universe
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
