I seem to have left my pride at pride
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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