I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I've blown a few things in my day
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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