I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
