Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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