i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
