my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
