OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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