it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
