is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
