saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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