dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
