she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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