dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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