i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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