so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
