I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
