My nipple is on Facebook.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
