You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
