the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
