my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
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