the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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