you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
