I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
