I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
