I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
