Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
