did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
