I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
