here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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