Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
