He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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